Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Taco Soup

Tuesday
New Years Eve Snacks!

Wednesday
Steak Ums

Thursday
Chicken in Sour Cream

Friday
Pizza

Saturday
Baked Potatoes

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Quiz Bowl

Tuesday
Tacos

Wednesday
Fettuccine Alfredo with Chicken

Thursday
Marlboro Man Sandwiches

Friday
Fast Food/Pizza?

Saturday
Leftovers or something easy after a long morning/afternoon of SAT's

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Cracker Barrel Pancakes (had these last week, yep, they were that good) & Sausage

Tuesday
Salisbury Steak

Wednesday
Chicken Parmesan

Thursday
Rice & Bean Casserole w/ Guacamole

Friday
Will probably pick up something for dinner since I am working all day

Saturday
Kielbasa Soup

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Loaded Potato Soup (didn't have last week)

Tuesday
Buttermilk Pancakes (didn't have last week) - trying the Cracker Barrel recipe this time, yum

Wednesday
Hot Dogs

Thursday
Girls Night Out!

Friday
Through the Fire Catering!!

Saturday
Eggs & Sausage

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Sausage, Peppers, Onions, and Potato Bake (minus the peppers and wine, haha)

Tuesday
Grilled Cheese & Tomato Soup (only made one can of tomato soup last time, not knowing if the kids would like it, but they loved it, so two cans it is!)

Wednesday
Chicken Spaghetti

Thursday
Hot Dogs

Friday
Buttermilk Pancakes

Saturday
Loaded Potato Soup

Loaded Potato Soup Recipe

I came across this recipe from my friend Katie, and I've gotten it off her facebook page everytime I've made it, but I'm afraid it will disappear for some reason, so I thought I'd put the recipe on here as well, so I don't lose it!  :)

Loaded Potato Soup

Ingredients:

6 large baking potatoes, peeled, cut in 1/2-inch cubes

1 large onion, chopped

1 quart chicken broth

3 cloves garlic, minced (or pressed)

1/4 cup butter

2 1/2 teaspoons salt

1 teaspoon pepper

1 cup cream or half-and-half cream

1-2 cups shredded sharp Cheddar cheese

3 tablespoons chopped fresh chives

Optional toppings:crumbled bacon, more cheese, sour cream, green onion 

Combine first seven ingredients in a large crockpot; cover and cook on HIGH for 4 hours or LOW for 8 hours (potatoes should be tender).

 Mash mixture until potatoes are coarsely chopped and soup is slightly thickened. Stir in cream, cheese and chives.

This recipe made about 6 large servings

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Rice & Bean Casserole with Guacamole

Tuesday
Chicken & Wild Rice Casserole

Wednesday
Tacos

Thursday
Crock Pot Sour Cream & Onion Chicken

Friday
Chicken Parmesan

Saturday
Hamburgers

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Biscuits & Gravy, Scrambled Eggs

Tuesday
Boneless Chicken Wings

Wednesday
Chicken Spaghetti

Thursday
Grilled Cheese & Tomato Soup

Friday
Out to Eat?  Anthony has a meeting in C-ville at 5:30

Saturday
Chicken Parmesan

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Chicken & Wild Rice Casserole (didn't have this last week)

Tuesday
Taco Salad

Wednesday
Sour Cream Noodle Bake

Thursday
Crockpot BBQ Chicken Legs

Friday
Pancakes & Eggs

Saturday
Sandwiches or Leftovers - Easy Night!

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Hamburgers (didn't have last week)

Tuesday
Grilled Chicken Salad

Wednesday
Eggplant Parmesan

Thursday
Tacos

Friday
Spinach Ravioli Bake

Saturday
Chicken & Wild Rice Casserole

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
French Toast (didn't have last week)

Tuesday
Lemon Chicken & Vegetables

Wednesday
Chicken Spaghetti

Thursday
Girls Night Out!

Friday
Biscuit Pizzas

Saturday
Hamburgers

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Chick-fil-A (using coupons, before Anthony's softball game)

Tuesday
Dinner at Awana leaders meeting

Wednesday
Kids & I gone for the day, sorry Anthony  :(

Thursday
Tacos

Friday
French Toast

Saturday
Chicken & Dumplings

Meal Plan Monday

I haven't done a meal plan for a while, just because we've had so much going on this summer, in between being out of town a couple of times.  But it's time to get back on track, so here we go!

Monday
Chicken Salad

Tuesday
Pizza Pasta Casserole

Wednesday
Three Cheese Chicken Penne

Thursday
Chicken Parmesan

Friday
Sour Cream Noodle Bake

Saturday
Breakfast for Dinner or Leftovers

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Wings made by James!

Tuesday
Dinner at Mom's??  Anthony's hopefully working on a fix-it project there

Wednesday
Potato Bar at church

Thursday
Hot Dogs

Friday
Pizza

Saturday
Pasta with Pesto Cream Sauce

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Hot Dogs (grilled!)

Tuesday
Orange Ginger Chicken (didn't have last week)

Wednesday
Crockpot Cube Steak & Gravy (didn't have last week)

Thursday
Girls Night Out!

Friday
Spinach Feta Pizza

Saturday
White Chicken Enchilada Casserole

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Meatloaf

Tuesday
Dream Spaghetti

Wednesday
Macaroni Grill bagged meal

Thursday
Crockpot Cube Steak & Gravy

Friday
Homemade Pizza

Saturday
Orange Ginger Chicken

Asa Michael - Birth Story (Part 3)

Part 1
Part 2

{My beloved} Dr. Thompson was on call this day (Friday).  If my memory serves me correctly, he came in at some point that morning (not sure what time) to talk about what we would do next.  He had already done some research and thought that the drug Cytotec would be our best bet for the next step.  But he said that he was going to go do a little more research and read some more studies just to make sure.  Did I mention how much I love him?  It was around 9:40am that he came back and reassured us some more from his research that this would be safe for me and it was the right direction to go.  So he inserted the Cytotec (a dissolveable tablet) and we just waited.  They would give me up to 4 doses of this drug and the dose was every 6 hours.  So I was thinking how I could potentially be waiting 18 to 24 hours more before anything even started to happen.  My worst fear was that this drug would do nothing for me and I'd end up having a c-section after all that time.

So, we waited.  We ate, we played Fun Run, we talked about some of the hard decisions (that parents aren't supposed to have to discuss regarding their children), we watched tv, we laughed, we visited with James, we read, we picked out his name, we cried.  We waited.  When Dr. Thompson came back to do the second dose at about 4:00pm, I was starting to have some cramping - nothing regular yet - but it was something, so I was relieved that it was working.  I believe Dr. Thompson was there till 7:00pm that day, so this was wrapping up my time with him.

Sometime after the second dose, probably late afternoon/early evening the cramping became contractions and they started to come regularly.  I specifically remember eating my dinner while Mom & Ashley were there visiting and noticing that contractions were starting to come regularly.  We just talked and watched tv as the evening went on and contractions got worse.  One thing I remember that is funny now, is that the nurse I had at that time, Dee, would ask me how the "cramping" was, and I was so annoyed because this was not cramping - it was definitely worthy of the label "contractions" to me.  Maybe they are the same thing in the medical world but I was just so annoyed at the time.  :)

Mom and Ashley left around 8:30.  Mom had to go home and get my kids to bed -- MeMe Kay had been staying with them.  And Ashley had to go home because James had to do some overtime.  The contractions were definitely still bearable at that point, but getting worse.  It was somewhere between 9 and 10:00 pm that contractions were really hurting me because I told Dee I was ready to start fluids so I could be ready for the epidural.  When she started me on fluids, she asked if I wanted her to go ahead and request the anesthesiologist to come, or if I wanted to wait.  When she asked, I wasn't having a contraction so I told her I wanted to wait (why???).  But once she left the room to go get me some water to drink, I had another contraction and quickly changed my mind.  So when she came back in I told her I was ready!  When she came back again she said that there had been some kind of emergency surgery so the anesthesiologist was going to be a little while.

She said she could give me Stadol which is a fast-acting narcotic and takes the edge off of the pain.  I very happily agreed to that.  It was definitely fast-acting in how quickly it started working, and how long it lasted.  It was great while it lasted - I did still feel the pain, but I was really loopy and care-free.  I know this happened in the 9 o'clock hour because I was looking forward to watching Shark Tank all day, but then I couldn't really focus on it because of the Stadol.  Then, just as it started working quickly, it stopped working quickly as well.  I'm not sure what time it wore off, but then it was just me and the contractions, desperately willing the anesthesiologist to come to my rescue.

The doctor on call that night, Dr. Gillam (another new doctor to me) came in to see how things were going at around 10:00pm.  She checked me and I was about 1.5cm dilated.  I wouldn't have to get to 10cm to be able to deliver him, but I think I remember her saying it could be 7 to 8 cm.  I'm thinking it had to be at least an hour of hard contractions before Dr. Laser (the anesthesiologist) finally got there.  I labored just as hard physically with Asa as I did with either of my children (and I got to 6cm with Declan).  From what I read about the drug Cytotec, it has been known to cause uterine rupture, and the FDA does not recommend it for inducing labor (obviously my situation was different since I was not full-term and it was a stillbirth).  But I know people wonder if it was like regular labor, or if it wasn't as painful as a normal birth, but it was BAD.  There was no way I could move my body that provided any kind of relief and it was all I could do to just get through each contraction.  I was doing the "breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth" thing and Anthony was rubbing my back.  I had totally counted out the possibility of ever having a vaginal birth since Bailey and Declan were both c-sections, and yet, there I was.

We estimated that it must have been around 11:30 when Dr. Laser finally got there.  The circumstances didn't even matter at that point; I was SOO relieved to see him.  If you've ever used an epidural during labor, you know exactly what I am talking about.  It took him a couple of tries -- I think my back wasn't quite curled enough the first time, so he had to try again.  Not really comfortable, but well worth the relief it provided.  I think it must have been somewhere between 11:45pm and 12:00am when he finished up and left.  The epidural started diminishing the pain pretty quickly, and soon I didn't feel the contractions at all.

I was finally able to rest and was hoping to get some sleep.  It was probably 12:15 or 12:20 when the nurse came in to check on me.  She did all the things she had to do and then I settled back down to rest and Anthony laid down to try to go to sleep.  Not more than a minute or two after she left I felt like something was starting to come out of me.  I reached down to feel, and sure enough, I was right.  I remember so clearly saying to Anthony, "Umm, Anthony, can you go get the nurse?  I think something is coming out of me."  I'm sure it caught him by surprise and he muttered something about pushing the call button.  He walked around to the other side of the bed and pushed the button and they didn't even respond over the intercom but the nurse came really quickly.  I'm guessing maybe they expect things to happen quickly, so they respond quickly.  So I told her that something was coming out of me, she pulled back the covers to check, confirmed that he was coming, and rushed out to get Dr. Gillam.

When Dr. Gillam and the nurses came back in the room, Asa was already nearly out, so she just sat down on the foot of the bed to catch him as he entered the world.  The delivery was amazingly quick and easy - I didn't have to push at all.  So just as quickly as it started, it was over.  I don't even know how far dilated I actually got since there was never a chance to check again.  They took Asa to get him cleaned up and Dr. Gillam worked on getting the placenta delivered.  Dr. McMillan had told me that in these cases sometimes the placenta doesn't deliver on its own so they have to do a D&C type procedure, but Dr. Gillam never seem concerned about that and I think I remember her saying something about having a "few tricks up her sleeve" for that, and sure enough, she got it delivered pretty easily.  The nurse was getting me cleaned up and changed when Ashley came back in around 12:50.  I said to her "You missed it!".

Just a few minutes later they finally brought Asa to me.  He was all wrapped up.  Death had already taken its toll on his body, but he was perfectly formed.  We unwrapped him so we could just take all of him in: his little ears, his bump of a nose, his sweet lips, his muscular legs, his tiny fingernails and toenails.  He was perfect.

During the delivery and most of the time we got to spend with him, I was really peaceful and didn't cry much.  I can only attribute that to God's peace that really does pass all understanding.  I am a "crier" by nature -- it does not take much to make me cry.  But there really were not many tears during our time with him, and I am thankful for that.  I was just able to enjoy holding him, and sleeping with him, just like I did with Bailey and Declan.  We kept Asa with us for almost 10 hours during the night and into the morning, and they are certainly hours that I will treasure forever.  They only took him away once to get his weight, footprints, etc. and they never rushed us and told us we could take as long with him as we wanted.

The later into the morning hours we got, the more the sense of dread was growing in me.  I knew the time was coming when I was going to have to hand my son to someone I don't even really know, and they were not going to bring him back.  I was going to have to leave the hospital without him.  I remember a couple times my nurse Megan had mentioned that she would take him whenever we were ready, but I wanted to keep him with me as close to the time I was discharged as I could.  So finally the time came when we were all ready to go, and just waiting on the paperwork so we could leave.  Megan mentioned it again and somehow I found it in me to tell her that she could take him now.  I think I knew that it was not going to get any easier no matter how long I waited, so I thought I should just go ahead and get it over with.

This is the hardest part.  It's the hardest thing to type out, and I do it through tears, and probably why it has taken me so long to finish this post.  Megan came around to the right hand side of my bed.  I had already started to cry as I finished telling her that I was "ready", not that you can ever be ready to see your son for the last time on this earth.  As Asa was in transition between her arm and mine, she embraced me with her other arm and cried with me.  She told me that she would take good care of him, and that was so meaningful to me.  Yes, what we held was only a shell, but I've heard it said that a mother's heart does not know how to stop loving, and it's true.  I had dreamed about him, planned for him, and loved him from the moment I saw the two pink lines.  And then I had to let him go.

A short time later, Megan came back with my discharge paperwork and with Asa's tiny knitted blue hat he was wearing, and the knitted multi-colored pastel blanket that held his little body.  Absolute treasures to me. Then it was time for Anthony to go get the car, and for me to be wheeled all the way to the front door of the hospital, just like the moms who leave with babies in their laps.  I wondered if people we passed were wondering about me, the girl with flowers in her lap and tears in her eyes.  I mostly held it together during that wheelchair ride and made small talk with Megan, mostly about our kids (she had a 2 year old son).  She was incredibly kind and loving to me.  Then Anthony pulled up, we loaded our stuff in the car, and we left that hospital, where Asa's body still laid.

There are many more things I want to say, and I'm sure I will say some of them in time.  It's been hard, and it still is hard.  We know that this was part of God's plan for our family, and we are trusting Him.  He has given us so much grace and peace, but it is still hard and to be honest, I still cry many days.  I know it's easy for others to forget and move on (and I understand, I've been on the other side of the fence).  But I want my son to be remembered and to be important. So, I hope that hearing his story will make him memorable and important to many, and I hope that our family is able to point others to Christ through our sweet Asa Michael and our trust in our sovereign God.  

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Easy Bean Enchilada Casserole

Tuesday
Cheddar Cracker Chicken

Wednesday
Pancakes (per Bailey's request)

Thursday
Southwest Chicken

Friday
Dinner with friends

Saturday
Homemade Pizza

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Orange Honey Pork Chops

Tuesday
Dinner Out (maybe Red Robin, I have a free burger there) - we have to go to Charlottesville to pick up Anthony's tux

Wednesday
Spaghetti & Meatballs

Thursday
Jeremy & Carmalita's Wedding!!!

Friday
Southwest Chicken

Saturday
Ham & Cheese Quiche

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Make-Ahead Muffin Melts

Tuesday
Dinner @ Mom's -- Anthony has a softball game this evening

Wednesday
Taco Soup

Thursday
Spaghetti & Meatballs

Friday
Beef Burritos

Saturday
Garlic Lemon Pork

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Pizza Stuffed Shells

Tuesday
Homemade Pizza (didn't have this last week)

Wednesday
Spaghetti & Meatballs

Thursday
Taco Soup

Friday
Crockpot Cube Steak & Gravy

Saturday
Leftovers/Out to eat w/ gift card??

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Papa John's Pizza

Tuesday
Pork Loin

Wednesday
Might use a Subway gift card, or eat at Mom's before church

Thursday
Pork BBQ Sandwiches

Friday
Homemade Pizza

Saturday
Vicky is coming to visit and bringing us Tokyo!!!

Who You Are

I first heard this song probably 3 or 4 months ago, long before we lost Asa.  I was going through a trial of sorts at that time.  Back in October or November I found out that my most recent pap smear was abnormal.  I didn't share this with many people because a lot of what I read and heard told me that this would probably be turn out to be nothing, but of course it was still scary for me thinking of all the "what if's".  So I heard this song in the midst of that time and the words "I don't know what You're doing, but I know who You are" really struck me, and I actually cried listening to the song.  {Side note: I had a colposcopy and biopsy and everything came back normal.}

Then fast forward a few months.  Since losing Asa, I feel like this has been "my song".  The one song that has meant the most to me and has really described how I've felt.

"I don't know what You're doing" 

I don't really know why God chose to take Asa away from us.  I wish there had been some other way to accomplish His purposes, one that didn't bring us so much pain and one that didn't leave us missing part of our family, a piece of us.  Because of the limited view of eternity I have, there is just no way for me to understand.

"But I know who You are"

BUT.  I know that He is merciful and gracious and abundant in goodness and truth (Exodus 34:6).  I know He is my refuge (Deut. 33:27).  I know that He is my strength and my help in trouble (Psalm 46:1).  I know He is the strength of my heart and my portion (Psalm 73:26).  I know that He is gracious and righteous (Psalm 116:5).  I know that He is faithful (1 Cor. 1:9).  I know that He is good and does good (Psalm 119:68).

"And You know what it's like to lose
Yeah, You know what it's like
What it's like to lose a child"

I think the first time I heard this song after we said goodbye to Asa was the first time, in my heavy grief, that I thought about the fact that God had also lost a child.  He knew just what I was feeling - He has been here.

I'm so thankful for the gift of music and the role it can play in the healing process, and even more thankful for a God who understands my pain.

Asa Michael - Birth Story (Part 2)

When I left off with part 1, we were making our way to the hospital to do the unthinkable: deliver our son who had already gone to be with Jesus.  Anthony parked the jeep and we started that long walk to the birthing suite.  The whole way I was hoping no one would stop us to talk.  I certainly didn't have a belly that was "ready to pop" but it was big enough to know that I was pregnant.  Thankfully, no one stopped us.  We walked through the lobby, where a man was playing the piano.  When the elevator finally came to us, we joined a doctor who was getting off on the second floor.  Our stop was the third floor.  We got off the elevator and continued on our way, around the corner and to the right, there it was: the heavy, wooden double doors with the black and white "Birthing Suite" sign above.  I lost it.  I had to stop and lean into Anthony while I cried for the child that would not leave the birthing suite with me.

As we were paused there a hospital worker, a man, came up past us.  He was pushing a cart and was also going into the birthing suite. You have to push an intercom button to be let in the doors and since we were stopped he stepped past us to push the button.  He told the voice on the other end who he was and he told them someone else was there, I'm sure not really knowing what to make of the situation, and he paused for me to give the name: "Tara Tyler", through my tears.  He said "someone to see Tara Tyler", and I managed to get out "It's me" before losing control again.  The weight of it all was so heavy on me -- "It's me" -- the thing that you think won't ever happen to you, it happened to me.  So he corrected himself to the nurse on the intercom and she buzzed us through.

It was so hard to will my feet to keep going, past the beautiful newborn photographs on the wall, and even harder to pass by the nursery and the patient rooms.  In one of them I saw a mother holding her new baby, all bundled up, pink and healthy.  We turned left around the corner to go to the nurses station to check in.  Of course they knew I was coming then and even if they didn't, I'm sure my tears would have given away my name.  They verified some information and weighed me and then led me to the room we would be in.  The lady told me she was sorry, gave me a gown to change into, and then went to go try to find a box of tissues for me.  It was maybe around 1:30 or 2:00 at this time.

After I got changed and settled into bed, my nurse, Nancy came in.  She was with me a long time while I labored with Declan, so I remembered her.  She told me that she was so sorry that this happened and let me cry while she hugged me.  I'm glad she was my first nurse this time - I only wish she could have been there longer (she got off at 3:00, I think).  She tried to get my iv started, but as was the case with all my children, my veins are hard to get.  It was even worse than normal this time, I'm sure since I had been crying so much and was probably a little dehydrated.  After 3 or 4 nurses had tried, and both arms had been warm-packed, I think it was Summer, the charge nurse, who finally got the iv.  So I ended up with bruises on both hands and both "inner elbows" because they had to stick me so many times between trying to get the iv and taking blood.  To be honest though, it was a little sad when those bruises disappeared since they were a connection to Asa for me.

After the iv was in, we just were waiting for a while, for Dr. McMillan to come and get things started.  That was one of the hard parts of this whole ordeal - the waiting.  When Dr. McMillan got there, it was around 4:00pm.  He inserted a Cervidil, which is used for ripening the cervix in hopes of starting labor.  He chose to go with this method first because it is an insert that is attached to a string (as opposed to a tablet that dissolves), so if contractions were too strong or something was going wrong, they could remove the insert.  The Cervidil would stay in for 12 hours.  So then it was just the waiting game to see what would happen.  So while it was hard just waiting and hoping for something to happen, we also experienced fun and laughter during the waiting, something I can only attribute to the peace and grace of the Lord.

At some point in the afternoon my mom and Ashley had come to the hospital to keep us company.  Pastor Don came to see us first and pray with us, and I appreciate that so much.  Kay, one of my mom's best friends and a dear friend to us, more like family really (Meme Kay, to my kids) came for a while, as did my amazing friend Summer (Pastor Don's daughter).  Summer lost her little boy Tyson to cancer when he was 2 years old.  I'm struggling to even find the words to describe how much her visit meant to me.  She hugged me for the longest time and cried with me like no one else has.  She knew exactly what it was to lose a son and she carried that burden with me.  I have a much better understanding now of what Paul was speaking of in 2 Corinthians when he said "that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God".

The evening went on and we watched tv, talked, and played a new game that Anthony found on the ipad called Fun Run.  That game brought us a lot of laughter and we are still playing it.  :)  However, nothing was happening labor-wise.  I thought I was never going to be able to sleep that night because the bed was SO not comfortable, but somehow with the aid of 4 or 5 pillows, I was able to get comfortable enough to fall asleep.  Of course I was woken up several times throughout the night for the nurses to check my vitals and shortly after 4am the nurse took the Cervidil out and I was still feeling no effects from it.  I went back to sleep a while longer and I think it was 7 something when Anthony and I both woke up for the day, anxious and grieved for what it would hold, but still comforted and carried by the Lord.

Part 1
Part 3

Asa Michael - Birth Story (Part 1)

Well, I think I've finally gathered the strength to write this.  In case you don't know, our son, Asa Michael Tyler, was stillborn on Saturday, March 2 at 23 weeks gestation.  It's so important to me that I don't forget anything about his story, since he was with us for such a short time.  His story and a few treasures (footprints, blanket, hat) are all we have left of him.

I want to back up before his actual birth story began, to where the story begins for me.  On Tuesday, February 26th, I think after I had put the kids to bed is when I first noticed that I hadn't felt the baby (he didn't have a name at this time) move lately.  I wasn't too worried at this point because I had felt that way before; you can imagine that with two young kids I keep fairly busy and it's always easier to feel a baby move when you are sitting and relaxing quietly.  So whenever I was worried about it, I would sit, stretched out on our loveseat and almost always feel his reassuring kicks and twists and turns.  This night, however, I did not.

I went to bed that night hoping I would feel him move while I was laying, trying to fall asleep.  I was worried but just thought that maybe he had changed positions so it was just harder to feel him move now.  Night passed and I slept okay.

Wednesday morning came and when it was time for Declan's nap, I decided to take a nap as well.  Bailey stayed in the living room so I was in my room alone and before I slept, I cried.  I was really starting to worry now and wondering how I could find the strength to go see the doctor about this.  I went through the rest of the day Wednesday - it was hard and I think deep in my heart I probably knew he was gone.  I even considered not going to church Wednesday night - my heart was so heavy with the knowledge of what I was going to have to do on Thursday if I continued to not feel any movement from my baby.  But I put on a happy face, as much as I could and made it through church.

Wednesday night is a little foggy for me now.  I think I went to bed before Anthony did and I cried again.  I remember pushing on my stomach in a futile attempt to get the baby to move.  I begged the baby to move.  I begged God to not let my baby be gone.  I can honestly say that Wednesday night was one of the worst nights of my life - I didn't sleep much and when I did I woke often.  I couldn't believe that this was happening to me.

Thursday morning finally rolled around and I was quietly crying before Anthony even got out of bed.  After he got up to take his shower I just sobbed because I knew I was going to have to tell him what was going on, so we could make a visit to the doctor that day.  Once he got done in the shower and came out of the bathroom he saw me crying and asked what was wrong.  I couldn't even answer at first because I was sobbing so hard.  I finally gathered myself enough to tell him that I hadn't felt the baby move for a while.  He asked if I wanted to go to the doctor.  I said I needed to go and asked him if he could call the office - there was no way in the world I was going to be able to make that call.  So he called the office and they basically said to come as soon as we could.  He also called Ashley (my sister) to see if we could bring the kids to her.  I was so thankful that I had him - he had strength to do the hard things when I had none.  So I got ready and got the kids ready while he ran to school to get his sub plans ready.  When he got back we loaded up and headed to Ashley's to drop the kids off.  I didn't even get out of the jeep because I knew I would lose it if I was face to face with her (she is pregnant, due date very close to mine).  Then we made that dreaded trip to the doctor's office.

I was not crying when I went into the office, but I'm sure if someone looked closely enough, they could tell I had been crying.  I just wanted to sit where no one could see me.  It seems like they shouldn't make you wait in the waiting room if you are there for that reason -- with all the women with healthy, growing babies.  But we didn't have to wait too long and the nurse called me back.  I was seeing Dr. McMillan, a doctor I had never met before.  I had switched to this practice when I got pregnant just so I could follow my favorite doctor, Dr. Thompson, the one who delivered Declan.  He is amazing and I cannot say enough good things about him.  But Dr. Thompson was in surgery this morning.

So I get to the room and the nurse starts to get me hooked up to the nonstress test, which was really just a heartrate monitor in this case.  She moved it around for a while and thought that she had found it but was having trouble keeping it.  Whatever the heartrate was that she found, I thought it was too low to be a baby's heartrate.  She had another nurse come in to see if she could get it better.  At one point they also handed me the little clicker that you are supposed to push when you feel the baby move.  That kind of felt like a cruel joke.  Also at some point one of the nurses tried to just get the heartrate with the doppler - she asked me if I "felt that" and said that she felt the baby kick the monitor.  I didn't feel anything.  So finally I think they concluded that the baby was too active to find his heartrate very well.  So they left and said that Dr. McMillan would be in soon.  At this point I was thinking maybe I was just paranoid and maybe the baby was fine.  But I couldn't forget that I still had not felt him move.  But I felt like I had hope at this point.

Dr. McMillan soon came in and also said something about the baby being too active to find his heartrate but that he would do an ultrasound so we could see what was going on.  So we waited a while in that room while they got the ultrasound room ready.  Then the nurse came and got us and brought us to the other room, and we sat and waited in there a while.  When Dr. McMillan came in he got the ultrasound started and was quiet for a minute.  Then he told us and showed us on the screen, though I don't remember his exact words, that the heart wasn't beating.  I didn't cry right away.  I felt like the wind was knocked out of me and I was in shock.  The nurses had given me hope, though I should have known better - and I probably really did, deep down.  I just needed to cling to that hope, even if it turned out to be false hope.  

Dr. McMillan was very kind and gentle with us.  He talked a little bit about what we would do from there - there were a few options for inducing me.  I had already been down this path in my mind, and I had figured that they would have to do a c-section since I had the partial uterine rupture with Declan.  I expressed that concern with him, though I could barely find the words to get a sentence out.  But he assured me that this would be the best option.  He said that we could either go straight over to the hospital and get it started, or we could go home for a few hours and then go to the hospital.  I just had no idea what to do - my head was spinning.  I think he sensed that I just needed direct instructions instead of choices, so he said that we should go home for a few hours and get our things together and he would call the hospital and tell them to expect us.    He apologized and then he left.

I had been crying a little, but of course I bawled when he left.  Anthony and I just stood there in the middle of the room and held each other and cried for a few minutes.  Then I gathered myself enough to leave though I was just trying to hold it together as we walked through the halls and back out through the waiting room.  I'm sure the people waiting could see I was upset.  We drove home and basically went straight to the bed and cried some more.  I don't remember how long I laid there for but I knew I had to get myself up and get ready - I really wanted to get the induction started so we could get it over with, get through the nightmare, but it was so hard to find the strength to make myself get out of bed.  There were many times I was just hoping I would wake up and find it was all a bad dream.  Somehow I did it - got out of bed and packed the things I would need at the hospital.  I had a bowl of cereal - I didn't really feel like eating but I was afraid they wouldn't let me eat at the hospital and I didn't want to be starving.  Sometime while I was getting ready, Anthony called Ashley to tell her what was going on.  I'm sure she must have known that it was not good, since it had been several hours since we dropped the kids off with her.  But again, Anthony took the load from me and made that call, knowing that I didn't have the strength to do it.

We somehow forced ourselves out the door to head to the hospital.  We get in the jeep and Anthony turned the key - and it wouldn't start.  It was because of an ongoing problem that we've had with it, so it wasn't a total surprise, but I remember thinking, "Really God?  I have a dead baby in my belly.  Is that not enough?".  Kind of funny to me now.  So Anthony finally managed to get it started and we headed to the hospital with heavy hearts.  We didn't really know what to expect but the next couple days would hold many tears, plenty of sorrow, lots of laughter, and so much peace from God.

Part 2
Part 3

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Marlboro Man Sandwich (didn't have last week)

Tuesday
Slow Cooker Bacon Cheese Potatoes (this is supposed to be a side dish but it has bacon so it can count for a real meal, right?? -- Really, I'm just dying to try this and don't know what to have with it, so I'm just going for it)

Wednesday
Swedish Meatballs

Thursday
Terriyaki Pork Chops

Friday
Tacos

Saturday
Homemade Pizza

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Anthony has parent-teacher conferences, so we'll be at Mom's for dinner

Tuesday
Farmer's Casserole

Wednesday
Hot Dogs

Thursday
Taco Soup

Friday
Marlboro Man Sandwich (one of Anthony's favorites, since his birthday is on Sunday!)

Saturday
Probably out to eat for Anthony's birthday

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Grilled Chicken Salad

Tuesday
Garlic Honey Pork Loin

Wednesday
Eggs & Bacon

Thursday
Homemade Pizza (didn't have last week)

Friday
Fettuccine Alfredo

Saturday
Encore dinner at church

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Potato Soup (didn't have this last week)

Tuesday
Hot Dogs (didn't have this last week)

Wednesday
Swedish Meatballs

Thursday
Tacos

Friday
Homemade Pizza

Saturday
Benefit Spaghetti Dinner

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Lemon Roasted Chicken & Veggies (didn't have this last week)

Tuesday
Mexican Manicotti

Wednesday
Dinner @ Mom's

Thursday
Baked Potato Soup (didn't have this last week)

Friday
Hot Dogs

Saturday
Homemade Pizza

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Chicken Florentine

Tuesday
Papa John's Pizza

Wednesday
Tomato Basil Soup
Grilled Cheese Sandwiches

Thursday
Tater Tot Casserole (didn't have this last week)

Friday
Lemon Roasted Chicken & Veggies

Saturday
Baked Potato Soup

Meal Plan Monday (late)

Monday
Golden Corral

Tuesday
Chicken Cacciatore

Wednesday
Chicken 'n a Biscuit

Thursday
Tater Tot Casserole

Friday
Date Night

Saturday
Bacon & Eggs

Meal Plan Monday

Monday
Anthony gone for quiz bowl - Chick-fil-A

Tuesday
Hot Dogs
French Fries

Wednesday
Taco Night at Awana

Thursday
Jambalaya

Friday
Crockpot Cheese Tortellini

Saturday
Popcorn Fish
Onion Rings