Who You Are

I first heard this song probably 3 or 4 months ago, long before we lost Asa.  I was going through a trial of sorts at that time.  Back in October or November I found out that my most recent pap smear was abnormal.  I didn't share this with many people because a lot of what I read and heard told me that this would probably be turn out to be nothing, but of course it was still scary for me thinking of all the "what if's".  So I heard this song in the midst of that time and the words "I don't know what You're doing, but I know who You are" really struck me, and I actually cried listening to the song.  {Side note: I had a colposcopy and biopsy and everything came back normal.}

Then fast forward a few months.  Since losing Asa, I feel like this has been "my song".  The one song that has meant the most to me and has really described how I've felt.

"I don't know what You're doing" 

I don't really know why God chose to take Asa away from us.  I wish there had been some other way to accomplish His purposes, one that didn't bring us so much pain and one that didn't leave us missing part of our family, a piece of us.  Because of the limited view of eternity I have, there is just no way for me to understand.

"But I know who You are"

BUT.  I know that He is merciful and gracious and abundant in goodness and truth (Exodus 34:6).  I know He is my refuge (Deut. 33:27).  I know that He is my strength and my help in trouble (Psalm 46:1).  I know He is the strength of my heart and my portion (Psalm 73:26).  I know that He is gracious and righteous (Psalm 116:5).  I know that He is faithful (1 Cor. 1:9).  I know that He is good and does good (Psalm 119:68).

"And You know what it's like to lose
Yeah, You know what it's like
What it's like to lose a child"

I think the first time I heard this song after we said goodbye to Asa was the first time, in my heavy grief, that I thought about the fact that God had also lost a child.  He knew just what I was feeling - He has been here.

I'm so thankful for the gift of music and the role it can play in the healing process, and even more thankful for a God who understands my pain.